Havent blogged in awhile.

Well its been a really long time since i blogged, but todays word is FEAR, us as humans are to concerned with this emotion of how it makes us feel. 2 timothy 1:7. In the begining God said it is good, it was good, and it still is good!! I personally am way to overpowered at times with my fear of the future, an the unknowness of the future. It is a trust issue, and when we fear, it puts a lack of trust or faith on God.
To my future wife: God has us in his hands, and i love you, and still pray for you daily. Trust God because he knows the future, and he wont let you fall.

April 5

Im honestly sick and tired of everyones attitude.......missing home, it feels like noone cares......w/e......alone. To my future wife: i hope you are praying for me cause i need it....cause noone here is praying for me, and i just feel really alone, and in a down mood..... i really dont have anybody here.....i really just wanna come home on most days..... people care there.....I'm praying for you, and hope you are ok.

Red bull, and paint.

Well today, i had a 20 oz. red bull and, it was crazy!!! I got like really hot all the sudden and i could barely speak......i think it was the red bull, but i keep telling everyone it wasnt, they are just really good lol!! But we painted and rearranged our room, so now the projector will look really good, and there is room for me to dance!! To my future wife: i love you, always remember that i love you.

Spontaneous Ministry

We did a ministry project, where we had 2 hours to go out and help the community, it was so much fun! To my future wife: help remember the root of ministry, and why i do what i do. I love you, and am praying for you daily.

No Time!

Well the internet at the apartments will be gone tomorrow......thats crap.....we will have no time to do homework or anything.....To you: I love you, and your situation will get better, i love you, and am praying for you. To my future wife: If its you im sorry that youre going through this....if not, im sorry for the things you have to deal with, and i am praying our relationship, that it will be glorious, and for God.

Crappy milk

So today i came home, and i went to the fridge and found out there was nothing to drink...except for Johns crappy mix in milk...so i tried it, and it tasted like deer terds. Today was a pretty good day, I mentored my kid, and he is beast at scrabble, then i went and ate like four hotdogs, then we worked for a couple hours on minstry prep...then we had off for like ten minutes and worked for the bible experience!! It was a busy and eventful day. To my future wife: I love you, and i am praying for you continually, the trials of today, are not the trials of tomorrow, thats not to say they are going to get easier, or harder...just know things change with time. I love you

Madre

Me and My mommy started talking today...mom i love you, you are my best friend....i forgive you, and i love you.....tomorrow will be a good day!

Hallelujah

God has redeemed me, and i am here for apurpose...to grow...to become closer to him, to be in a daily conversational relationship w/ Jesus. God is pulling things out of me, that i didnt even know were there.....Hes saved me....He is here for me...i just have to keep following the holy spirits direction.

Boom.

This is my post today because i dont feel like writing my feelings out, but im feeling alot. boom.

A promise

 i dont wanna seem weak, so ill tell you its fine....ill tell you its fine, because if i ask for prayers, then ill have to act like they are working.....so ill act strong, like nothing is bothering me, and then eventually i will be strong....
Ill tell you its fine, because if im vulnerable.....ill get hurt.
if im vulnerable.....youll see my weaknesses
i hate my weaknesses....they make me insecure
im insecure about being alone....
yes thats true.....but thats not why i like you...ive come to the realization...its not my insecurities....its my heart.....and its God, now im not saying you are wrong with all your talk "NO COMMUNICATION!" "YOULL REGRET IT" i understand your logic....but dont demean, my feelings to insecurities.....because i promise you they are so much more then insecurities.....
insecurities ruin people...and i have them.....but you M.C. are not one of them...i promise you this, and at the end of this....even if we are....just friends....im glad i have you as a friend, and hopefully a best friend....i love you....

Campfire

Today, was a good day, started off by organizing the attic.....jj was in a bad mood, but i didnt care.....then i hung out with kirk basically all day, which was awesome, i really like when hes just super chill.....Hung out with some of the youth kids, and then had a campfire, with riss and kirk....they are so much fun! i love yous guys!! To my future wife: remind me, that there is always some time to just unwind, and escape everything for a little bit.

Choreography

Choreography is alot like discipline, you think your gunna go out and make something amazing.....but you dont realize, you have to listen to the song, 400000 times to get just the first 30 seconds, wow....its alot like discipline, right now im trying to be disciplined enough, to grow in God, and when i started this, i didnt think i would think about it 400000 times a day....its just really cool, because at the end of this discipline and choreo...something great is going to result....#totallyworthit

Psalm 103:1-5

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.   

Praise you, forgive me, redeem me, give me grace, and then bless me. I will do great things in your name, will follow your heart, and rejoice for your presence is always with me.

Macon

We are going to a church in Macon today, by the time i post this, we'll either already be there, or we'll be home. I am really excited to go! This is going to be a really cool experience and I'm going to take it for all its worth. Cassi just shared her testimony in the van, because she is giving hers at the service…..its really amazing and i hope someone is touched by it. Cassi, one day if you view this blog, just know that I love you, and you are such a good leader for all of us. I can't wait to spend next year w/ you. One day you are going to find a man, who will treat you great, and treat you the way your supposed to be treated. I love you.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 i can't stop thinking……my mind has been running ever since i got off the phone w/ nathan…. he said i should talk to my mom…..im just not sure…..Cassi did really good with her testimony……..everyone clapped when they heard hers……i didn't get a response…..until i actually performed it…….people here don't appreciate me…….and it sucks……they clapped for cassi but they didn't clap for me……its because her testimony was really good!! And i suck. Marissa if you ever read this, and if i ever get over you, or if we end up together……either one is amazing…..because right now i can't get over you and I really feel like God wants us to be together eventually, just not now because i need to grow…….and if i do…it'll also be a work of God, because i am like Jasmine and Aladdin in love w/ you. This is so hard for me….and the person i would normally talk to……my mom…….i don't wanna talk to her……..i wanna talk to you…….God is doing great things in your life, and that is so amazing!! i am literally in shock of the things he is doing in your family, and i am proud to see you growing, through all this. 
To my future wife: thank you for marrying me, because i don't deserve you…….

Enough?

Today Amanda preached, and it was really good, she really spoke to me, and has amazing stage presence. She talked about how if God uses us, then thats enough, and if we feel as if we arent good enough, its actually because we are being self centered. Thank you Amanda. Me personally needs to start working on focusing outward and not inwardly, and stop letting things like, my past, my insecurities and fears, define my mindset. God has a plan, and that is enough. To My future wife: Know that you are good enough, and God has a plan for you, God knows what you are going through, even if i dont, im praying that you dont get caught up, in yourself, but begin to realize that Gods redemptive power, is enough for you.

Texas

So tonight mission Texas, is staying with us, and they are awesome! this fellowship, and some friendly guy time, it is so much fun! Its so glad to know that these guys are in the same boat i am with there ministry and struggles. it is so cool! i love these guys, they are so much fun!
To my future wife: There are some pretty awesome guys out there, so thanks for choosing me. Im praying you are meeting some awesome girls, to talk to and grow with. :)

Always.

    God is still doing amazing things in my life, and right now I am hearing "Don't Stop, Keep Moving" I can't ponder on the mistakes Ive made, and ask why I've done them, because that answer will come in time, God right now is just asking me to move. Move on, move from my emotions, move from my fears, move from loneliness, and realize that he is there, and realize how to not get in rutts, anymore but to just realize that he is with me ALWAYS. My strengths are going to start shining through, I am a leader, and these things that keep tripping me up, are hindering me as a leader. Today was a good day.
To my future wife: Keep growing, dont stop moving. Pray and ask God to give me a spirit of persistence and discipline, for our relationship, our kids relationships, and mainly our relationship with God. I love you and am praying for you.

2 Timothy 1:7

At Winterfest 13 with the mission! Francis Chan spoke tonight, and He started off with 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." We werent made to be scared, we were made to harness love, and peace. When we enter this world Satan begins to show us things, like how the light is better then the dark, like how its easier at first to do bad things. God tells us in this verse, that we should literally fear nothing, because its an emotion. To my future wife: Im alone right now, and for this moment...right now....it doesnt scare me.....God has a plan and I pray that if you are alone right now....i am praying for you.

Psalm 51

I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone. They care. They care. They care. These thoughts of negativity flood my brain like an enormous storm, and I'm drowning, I'm drawing in these thoughts, made up of pure emotion, and deceit and the enemy. God has given me people to show me I am not alone, the holy spirit, gives me opportunities. I cannot be secluded or deluged by my thoughts, when i am faced with the truth daily. No matter how many times she ignores me, or i feel like I am not good enough, God is trying to get inside and let me know its gunna be ok, and that He never lets go, that when He is silent it doesn't mean He is absent. But the enemies voice is so boisterous, and overwhelming, that that is the only thing i hear……I hear it over and over again….No one cares, you're gunna be alone the rest of your life, God can't use you, you don't belong here, just leave because its no worth it. God tells me something different. My prayer is Psalm God forgive my foolish ways, and help me to remember the passion I have in you. God break me! Till the only thing i can look at is you…..Give me a pure heart, and help me to seek your purpose for my life. To my future wife: Whenever i feel burnt out, or like i can't do it anymore…..give me psalm 51, as a guide. <3 I'm praying for our relationship daily, and that it wouldn't be like the relationships I've seen in the past, and that you will accept my faults, and strive to help me make them strengths. 

Roots & Fruits

Reggie Dabbs (who BTW is not the coolest guy in the world) once said "Show me your friends and ill show you your future." I think that is true, but i think that before that, our childhood determines our friendships. I believe that your roots determine your fruits, unless something comes into your life, and changes things. Like Jesus, Mentors, Coaches, Brothers, or even girls, and those changes could be positive or negative, which cause a positive or negative reaction. My roots werent the prettiest but the people in my life, have helped grow and prune my fruits....Today my anger got the best of me, and i got physical, with John, and hit him.....and im sorry, i just get engulfed in emotions......and I accidently hit Marissa with a bottle in the head.....and i got the cold shoulder which kinda sucked.....i hate when she treats me like that....and then plays all flirty flirty with john and kirk....but its whatever....I cant really express that frustration....cause im like growing, and if i do share, people wont think im growing.....but i am sorry for hitting john and marissa....i just hope i dont get treated like crap tomorrow....because John and Marissa treated me like crap....i literally felt so alone.....the only thing i knew to do was to get violent....

Gathering

God you know my heart, and right now, I am trying to be a man after your own heart, looking at you, will not make me fall, for the glory of God, is ever reaching. Help me to know of your plan for me. Make this trip different. This trip, is another step towards you, and the plans you have for me. No enemy, can stand up against me, when you are with me. Make my life a living testimony of someone who didn't throw spears, but acted as if they weren't there. God you are my father, my healer, my redeemer, my shield, my sword, and my peace. God you are my peace. In the beginning you were there, and you make all things, and you knew the plans you had for my life.

Attention

    There are so many things in my life screaming for attention, whether its Her, Music, my school, or even the friends in my life. God needs 100% attention in order for me to follow His plan, but Im not there yet. To my futue wife: I promise I will strive everyday to lay my focus on God, and give Him complete control of my life, and our relationship

Mom

Its been like 3 months since weve really talked......and i really miss you.....alot.....and i need to talk to you about stuff, about my life, about my brothers, and about my melencholiness.....i miss you and i love you. To my future wife: never give up on our kids.....ever.

Retreat

This weekend I am going on a retreat w/ the youth kids which will be a lot of fun, and annoying at the same time! I miss her, a lot....and today some girls were playing t-swift in the van, so i kicked into melencholy mode....but im really ok....or at least i think i am. Im just going to keep telling my self that im ok, until i actually am. But honestly im not ok, and this weekend away should be good for me...I miss her a lot, and when i get over all this insecurity crap, maybe God has her in mind for me (its nights like this where I hope so)....i dont know, but i do know that...whoever my wife is...she will be beautiful, and i will think about her more then i do right now. To my future wife: This time in my life is hard, and whether your on my mind, or I havent met you yet, just know that I love you, and I will always put you before anyone else.

Sisters??

Ive never had sisters, and to say God wants me to view woman as sisters is absurd!! I think God wants me to view woman as the way I view my mom, not as an authority figure per say, but as someone to protect and hold close to my heart, to stand up for, to let them know i will be here for them and protect them, to encourage, and to build up.  See all the relationships I've had with girls, that are more then just friendships, have always been me trying to cover up an issue, or to mask the fears i had, and they were shallow, and i wanted intimacy, but i didn't have any commitment, so my challenge for this next couple of months is to show my sisters(mission) that i am committed to protect them, and that this is a time of discipline for me, and that i love them, and will stand up for them. My Goal for my entire life, is 1 timothy 5:2 To treat woman in my life with absolute purity, to stand up for them, and not to expect intimacy.

Brothers

Today I went into MSK and I was ridiculously tired, and just ready to go to bed, and then randomly one of the kids came up to me and asked, if I would teach him how to do a dance move. So me and this kid began to dance, and eventually 4 or 5 kids were up there dancing with us! it was so cool, to see how influencial i can be in their lives. It actually made me think of my brothers, and how much growing they need to do, and how hard it is for them, because of my mom, and the things she does.....so to my future wife: I want you to know that anytime I am quarreling with my brothers to hold me accountable, and make me be the bigger person, because I can be a light in their life, and always help me realize how much I used to love kids, as a college student, and just how moldable their minds are. I love you, and I am praying for you and us, and how God is hopefully shaping you, and how he is shaping me.
~This post is for Brandon, Dylan, and Cj, I love you guys, and I am praying for you.

Journey

Bill Isaacs told us today, that anytime we were about to do something amazing for HIm, or we are going through a hard time to ask the question " How did I get here?" wow. I am struggling so much, but when I look back just about 6 months ago, i realize ive grown at least a little bit. Im trusting God, and Im thinking of His plan for my life everyday. He wants me to keep looking up, and do hard things for him. So yeah, im not going to sugar coat it, its hard, and today was pretty difficult, escpecially dealing with all this insecurity crap, but when i look back, it gives me hope. A new hope.<---Nerdy star wars reference. To my future wife- Before you knew me, i was a complete douche bag, and I probably wouldnt have respected you, or even acted like a man, but ive grown, and im growing for our kids, and the lives we will change. I love you, and although i may not know you yet, I am praying for you, and if you are going through things im sorry, and keep looking up, because God has a plan for your life, and for our relationship.

Darkness

God said let there be light, and there was light. He wanted us to see what he was doing!! The amazing thing is, God doesnt need light to see, God gave us the light, so we could see!! Thinking about this today after the hydrate conference is really awesome, its so amazing how God 1. is bigger then i will ever know, and then created light so i could seek him. I think thats why im scared of the dark, because you never know whats in the dark, you never know what is watching you, what is trying to get you, what just wants to freakin eat you!!! But in the light, we have something to look towards, and it helps distract us from all those things that are trying to get to us.

Red.

Nope, not the tswift album, but my clothes specifically my whites....they are all red. yeah. To my future wife- you will probably have to do laundry, or i need to get enrolled in some classes, because thats like the second time this has happend lol!

Trust

Do you trust me? asked aladdin trying to convince jasmine to hop on the magic carpet. She said yes and hopped on. I wanna find somone that trusts me, I wanna find someone that doesnt know the old me, that doesnt know all of the bad things ive done, and sure ill tell them, but i want them to see me for who i am, not who i was. I want to trust that this person will know me, and not judge me for who i was. That person was who i was, but that person is not who i am. Aladdin had to realize that he wanted jasmine more then money, and I believe that i have to realize that i want a relationship more then a girl. I want to find someone that i can make it through with. I wanna find someone who respects me, for me, and respects my goals, and i want someone with goals. To my future wife- I love you, and I know its hard for you right now, because its hard for me. Wherever you are, just know God is putting me through some heavy things, so our relationship, can glorify Him, and glorify others, and our marriage will be one of integrity, honesty, love, courage, struggles, but we will love each other and God will be on our side.

Insecurities

When I start to remember what we had, i realize we only had it because we are scared of being alone, and were insecure, then I think of my future and what God has instore, and I remember the path im on is for God. That doesnt mean its easy, because its hard, but God has a plan, Im just glad I finally found a way to let go! Tonight is a dancing night! #GOD #lookingup #finallyletgo I just want my future wife to know that i did all this for her, and God, and when i finally meet her, i want her to know the things i went through to becoming like the person i was looking for is looking for. God is in control, and I will not be alone, 1. because he is on my side, and with me 2. There is a woman of God out there for me.

Tutting

I love dancing! Its what I do when im mad, when im sad, when im happy, and when im thinking, and learning new dances is something that always excites me! Today i am learning/relearning how to tut! which is basically uniformed arm movements I love it! I also had drama practice today, and although the youth kids get side tracked sometimes, I am really blessed to be able to lead such an awesome team! I love you guys!

Seal.

Seal my heart, from the things trying to get in that aren't of you, or for the good of me. Break my pride and help me to let people in. #inarutt #someonetotalk2 #sucks2suck #feelingalone #notalone

Rock.

Well today I was attacked by a rock. It literally came out of no where and started like beating up on me.....I eventually took it down, and its gunna end up being a really good memory, so I have some pretty bad head aches but other then that im good. But today was a really good day! Went on a hike up blood mountain where i was viciously attacked. (irony), then came home to eat and watch some LXD, then it was off to kroger singing Disney tunes, and fresh prince with cheltzi and john. I love my mission family on days like today. Love yous guys!

MEC

So today, we were working with Reggie Dabbs, and the last school we went to was a school for at risk kids, and I really related with a few of them as far as their past, and the situations they were in were so relatable. Today i saw God through a 18 year old sophomore, who I can impact, so i talked to jj and hopefully sometime soon i will be talking to these kids! I really saw God today, and with the things He is doing in kids life. #God #prayingforyoukid

Buffalo Chicken

Today's lesson. If you use people, you typically find people that use people. I used someone and I was used. Situation handled. Moving on. Im not going to stop but keep moving! Oh, and there was 1/2 off pizza at Classic Tavern, so the guys got buffalo chicken pizza, while the girls danced to country music lol!! Anyway, im glad things were cleared up today, its time to move on, not because its good for me, but because its what i need!

Burps.

So today was a relatively awesome day! I ate wings with the wonderful and amazing alysha dawkins, and was given some pretty astonishing advice from her! If you ever read this girl, I love you! Then I went out with the kids of Nexus Youth, and had 27 wings for 10 dollars! We then went to platos closet and I got a Hot pair of Polo shoes, and when I came back to work on something called "Summer Program" All the girls decided it would be funny to make Tyler throw up! So Cheltzi, Rissa, Lulu, and Amanda all decided it would be funny to keep burping, eventually causing me to throw up (because I think that girls farting and burping is disgusting). Then after i returned from the bathroom, i was almost put to tears because I am afraid of the dark, and the girls also decided to play on that fear! All in all it was an amazing day! I love my sisters, no matter how much they annoy me or tease me! They are pretty much the coolest big sister ever!

Move.

You cant just stand there! Move! Today was an excellent day! I spent time with my mission family, and ended the day with walking dead. WHile watching the walking dead, a Jeep commercial came on tv, and one of the key lines was "anything worth accomplishing, isn't easy." God takes things in my life and uses them for change, but i cant ponder upon the mistakes or the hiccups, i simply move on, and do better. I broke a lot of peoples trust this weekend, and merely talking wont fix it, but the way to show them I'm letting go, is by moving, by not over thinking, or being melancholy but by moving on, and doing better. Happy Birthday Joseph!

Superman

SuperMan- For those of you that don't know, Superman is a superhero created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, in 1938. He is my favorite character, of anything and someone(although fictional) I look up to. I have followed Superman and looked up to him since I was a little kid. The way he always stands for good, the way he carries himself, and the way he treats Louis Lane (his Gf).

Superman always stands for good, and always does things for the good of people, and carries himself with such a high stature. But i particularly love the way he treats Louis Lane. Superman and Louis Lane never end up together, this is due to Supermans love for her. Superman knows that the things he does will put Louis in danger. But He still always goes out of his way to save her. I have been dealing with my view of woman recently in the past year, and I am realizing that God is showing me something through super man, and that is that woman are something to protect, they are something to love, they are something to care for, and they are people. My challenge, is to view woman the way that Superman views Louis Lane, to put her needs and her growth above his wants for love. I want some one to love, and one day, I will have that. But right now God is asking me to put her needs, and my needs, above our wants. To view her(and all woman) with love, care, and respect, before fulfilling my needs.

Patience:Day 2

For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice - no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service. John Burroughs 

Be still and know that I am God. Today is a new day, although posted very early this morning, it is today during the day. I have had many things on my mind today, but mostly its been a girl. Which is kind of ironic because today is supposed to be about that. But not here. Not in the mission. Here i am supposed to be focusing on God, and the things He has in store for me. Today is a hard day. But I know that my God is my God, and He will never change. My God has a plan, and He just wants me to be still, and not worry about a girl. Patience is todays word, because God is asking me to have patience, to wait, to just be still. God has things in store for me, but its just time to wait, and wait diligently. God has things in store, but in order to fulfill his promises I must have patience and simply look to Him right now.

Process-Day 1

Today Is the day I started this blog, and it is also Valentines Day, so happy V-day! Todays word is Process. If no one ever even looks at this blog, but me, Im ok with that. In fact I wont post about it on my Facebook, or even talk about it. But the reason i chose the word process, is because this year I am growing, and it is a slow and painful growth. Which is something I believe takes more grasp on a person then a simple "amazing moment at the altar" But no process changes people, and it helps them learn. And my process is a year long discipleship program known as the mission. God is changing me and shaping me, and it is a long process, filled with uber melancholy moments, and extraordinary heart ache. But looking towards heaven is a way of knowing that this process is not in vain and God has something in store for me.